why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
