Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
someone owes me an orgasm
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
