apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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