I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
