Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
