I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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