Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
