I'm gonna have a badass scar
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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