So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
