Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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