worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
