in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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