I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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