i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
