I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
