When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
