You smell like stripper and shame
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
pray to the hookup gods
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
