Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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