john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
