WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
