i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So vagazzling was a success
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
