; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
did you just send me my own nude
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
