im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
