My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
