My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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