FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
