i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
