I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
