those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
