Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
