I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
