One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I cockslap morals
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
