I faked an abortion last night.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
