I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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