32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
