that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
