They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
