weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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