I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
