I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
