Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
