It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
