Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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