I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
