i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
