were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
