Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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