mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
