I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
