I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
