the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
