I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
